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We are all just nuts walking this earth for a short time.

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It amazes me that every spring nature comes alive again. This past spring was my first in eight years that I spent in the country. It was the first time in eight years that I noticed life pouring back into the world. On the first warm day in spring, I went out for a walk. Touched by a little spring fever, I was inspired to do a little photography. I only hoped to get a few photos for my web site, but what I found was far more precious.

A single bee crawling, cold from the shade, into the light. A fragile yet fierce little creature. I sat next to it and watched it’s journey; mindful that with no epee pen on me, this tiny yellow and black being had the ability to hospitalize me. For the first time in 8 years, I was aware of life. Eight years of city life had dulled my senses, one moment in nature had awaken me.

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ok just one last photo for today. I'm going over my photos from the trip and there are just so many wonderful moments captured!

This is Saida, my brothers wife. It was at their wedding in Casablanca (where she grew up). Saida is in the traditional Moroccan wedding dress.

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I think that Marrakech was by far the best part of Morocco. It was beyond beautiful. But it was also beyond hot! the high the day this photo was taken was +43! no I'm not being dyslexic, it was plus forty-three degrees!

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I got home from Africa yesterday only to find that there was a hostage situation about a 2 minute walk from my apartment. This is like a really strange thing for the tiny town of Shawville! I can actually see the police tap and the cops from my apartment.

Anyhow, about 2 minutes ago Radio-Canada was here and I was the most french person they could find in the area. (I'm like totally English!) Shawville is the most English town in Quebec as it was settled by the Celts, and remains a very Celtic town. Soooo I'll be on French CBC TV and Radio tonight at 6pm.

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I just woke up from my first night in Malaga (Spain) The key board here is strange so please forgive my spelling. There is some missing punctuation that I can´t figure out lol.

I met up with my sisters and Angus last night. Angus asked Robin to marry her!!! While they were in Scotland! How cute.

I share a room with 5 other women, the girl in the bunk above me is also Anna. She´s from Holland, where apparently the women are very comfotable with their bodies! She walked around this morning with no shirt on. Perhaps a little modesty is good, but perhaps Wetern women have something to learn from Hollanders!

The days are hot but the nights are nice and cool, so sleaping is easy (thank god!)My hostle is on the sea front as well as looking out at a mountin. It´s very beautiful. Unfortunatly I cant figure out how to transfer photos to the computer. So that will have to wait.

I´ll update more when I have a chance and if I find out how to put photos up.
love AK
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My mind may actually explode very shortly.

I'm leaving for Morocco in less than 48 hours.

I can not find my pass port!

I have torn apart my home and my office.

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Who ever made this post is my heroin.

Posted at http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
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I think that one of the biggest problems I have as a person diagnosed with ED-Nos is that I don't feel validated in my emotions, so I try to not feel them. I have always felt like my emotions were overbearing and spilling out in a mess all over my life. Focusing on weight, and food has always been a great distraction from reality; if I'm too busy thinking about food then I'm not thinking about what I feel about something.

This is not just a problem for eating disordered people, it seems numbing emotions is a problem on an epidemic scale in North America. People do it with food, drugs, compulsions to shop. And it seems that everyone does in on a lesser or greater scale.

So why is this such a problem? We live in the land of plenty and opportunity. Everything we need is at our fingertips. How could a society which has so much, be so emotionally sick? If you look at Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, we should, in this society be able to reach self actualization. Yet no one seems to get there.

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So I think that we as individuals need to take a good hard look at why we are not making it to self actualization. I don't know where it started or why, but I suggest that reaching self actualization will start when we empower our children to own their emotions. Don't tell your little boy that "big boys don't cry" don't tell your teenage daughter that her love is "just hormones" love and sorrow are important emotions, and they are valid at any age. How could a person say something so arbitrary as "love is only hormones when you're a teen" it's confusing--when then will love be real? When is that arbitrary age in which emotions become valid? is it when your 18? 20? When will love suddenly be real? The answer is it's as real when you are 16 with your first boyfriend as when you are 80 in a 50 year long marriage.

This seems like a obvious thing, but take a look at your own life, we say these things all the time. We take the power out of people's emotions with out a second thought all the time. It's ok to feel anger, it's actually important to feel even the unpleasant emotions. So don't, I beg you, don't take that away from your children.

With that said, I also think every woman in North America should read Appetites: Why women want it doesn't exactly take the same view of what I'm saying, but is still a great book that addresses some of the problems with our societal views.
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I'm home from Fort St John BC! I was a great trip. I think that everyone had a really good time.

As those of you on my friends list already know, the day before I left for FSJ I was told that I could not have children naturally. But I talked to some Docs at the conference whom I had over heard talking about IVF. They assured me that if my only problem was that I don't ovulate I could still have kids. We talked about the options, drugs and IVF, and I felt quite calmed by this. Both of the docs said that if a woman has eggs then she can be made to ovulate, and thus can have biological children. I have in the last week gone from feeling like a failure, crying and blaming myself, to feeling like half a woman, and back to feeling one with my body again. Quite the emotional roller-coaster!

An interesting note on IVF. Apparently IVF is only covered if you have damaged tubes. I for one would like to say WHAT THE FUCK?!? What makes a woman with damaged tubes more worthy of having biological children than me? Is it my fault if I don't ovulate? Grrrr! Well such is life. There are too many children without parents, so I may just adopt. Who needed to have their flat tummy all stretched out anyway? Right?

Adoption: I used to babysit this little girl who was adopted. Her parents told her from a very early age that they had adopted her. When I first met the little girl she told me that her Mom and Dad loved her so much that when they realized they couldn't give her the life she deserved they chose to have her taken care of by another family. She then said that her new mom and dad loved her so much too. She felt very loved. I think this is what I will tell my kids if I end up adopting, this little girl seemed totally at ease with being adopted.

On a side note: I still haven't told my mom and dad that I likely wont ba having my own biological children. How does one bring up such a thing? "Yeah so Mom, Dad, My baby maker is broken!"

I still can't help but wonder if this was my fault, I need my Doc to tell me if I could have prevented this. But I'm terrified she's going to say it is my fault, so I haven't asked.
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